Session etiquette part 1 – First Contact

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Picture Courtesy of TheEnglishMansion.com

When contacting a Mistress, it’s important that you can let her know that you’re the kind of guy she is going to be happy spending a couple of hours of her life in a small dimly-lit room with. I’m aware that all Mistresses have different contact methods and vetting processes, so the following post specifically applies to contacting me rather than being a general guide, but you may find it a useful insight whether it’s me you’re considering applying to or somebody else entirely.

Mode of contact:

If your chosen Mistress states that she only sees people who have filled out her session contact form successfully, that will generally be a good place to start. I have a form on my website which will give me all the information I initially require from you in order to decide whether to take a discussion further; useful stuff like your experience and what you’re into, your health status, your availability and of course what you’re hoping for if you attend a session with me. It’s amazing how many people send a one-word or single sentence email as their introduction: “hey!”, “r u free now 07714 56****” or “how much 4 half hr wiv hj” – needless to say, these don’t get a response. I also don’t discuss private session details on social media, and asking me to do so there just shows that you haven’t actually bothered to read my bio, which gives the appropriate details for contacting me. In a nutshell, using any method to try to arrange meeting me other than the method I have specifically asked you to use will mean you have already failed your first test. A Mistress will probably state if she prefers email, phone call or text message, and you should contact her according to her preferred method. 

Filling out my session contact form:

Once you get as far as filling out the session contact form, please make sure you fill it out as fully as you can, but without giving me a lot of unnecessary detail. I don’t particularly need to know your educational level, your penis girth, the name of every other Dominatrix you’ve ever met or whether you’re really, really goodlooking. What I do want to know is:

1. Whether you’ve had sessions before or are brand new to the scene – either is fine, it’s just handy to know where you’re coming from in terms of experience.

2. Whether you’ve got any health issues I need to be aware of  – again, I’m not going to say no to seeing you if you have a health problem, but I do need to be aware if you are likely to have fresh stitches which are going to burst open when I trample you (yep – that happened!), have diabetes, are prone to panic attacks when confined, or may have access issues when you visit me.

3. What you’re into and what you hope to experience. I’m not talking about a full script for a 1-hour session here, but enough detail for me to decide whether our interests match up. I give a handy checklist of possible session pursuits, plus a box where you can enter your own, plus a box entitled “ideal session” where you can tell me what you have in your mind’s eye when you think about having a domination session with me. Here are a couple of examples of the kinds of responses I get:

Age: 18-25

Enquiry: This is a genuine enquiry about a possible session

Experience: None – I am a beginner.

Health: Yes – I am in good health and have no medical conditions

Medical
I have no medical conditions relevant to my participation in a BDSM session.

Activities
 Ballbusting

other activity? None

Ideal session
kicked until my balls pop

Question
how will you make sure I am actually castrated by the end

This doesn’t tell me much, apart from the fact you are young and inexperienced and have not thought past the fantasy of your fetish yet. Either that or you are serious and you need help from somebody with qualifications other than mine! It’s an example of an application which won’t be replied to, as you’re unlikely to actually come along to a session (plus, I know for a FACT I’m not going to fulfil that particular fantasy for you as I don’t fancy the cleanup afterwards!)

Age: 36-55

Enquiry: This is a genuine enquiry about a possible session

Experience: I have had lots of sessions and know what to expect.

Health: No – I have medical conditions as listed below:

Medical
Weak left knee which makes kneeling for long periods impossible.

Activities
Spanking & CP

other activity? Corner time and lines

Ideal session
A CP roleplay where I am a wayward employee who is brought into line with a reprimand and spanking from my strict executive boss. I find I can take a good level of caning (36-48 strokes or more at your discretion, I am happy for you to leave your mark) if I’m thoroughly warmed up first either over the knee or bent over my boss’s desk to receive a hand spanking and paddling.

Question
Do you still have your smoked dragon cane with the purple handle? I’d love to experience it if so.

…This type of application is great, as I have a good idea of what you’re hoping for right away, without having to coax it out of you over a series of emails, which could take weeks (and which unfortunately I don’t have time to do.) If what you’ve described sounds like fun and fits within my limits, you’ll be sure to get a reply.

What you’re asking me for:

When you request your session, please make sure you’ve read all my session dos and don’ts in advance – there is no point wasting anyone’s time by asking me to do something I’ve already stated I don’t do. One thing I get asked for over and over is smoking sessions despite me clearly saying on my website (which you should’ve read in full before contacting me) that I never do it. I’m not just going to wake up one morning and think “fuck the asthma, I’ll do this chain smoking human ashtray session for this chap as he seems so nice and also he’s told me he’s really really goodlooking with a large penis too.” Requests like this just show me that you’re not interested in seeing me and that you couldn’t be bothered to read my website (see my blog about why this matters here).

If you’ve scoured my website from end to end, and you can find no mention of your fetish anywhere, either in the dos or don’ts, and you think it’s something you can respectfully ask me to consider and fits within the kind of boundaries of what you do know I find acceptable, then by all means contact me and do so. I can’t possibly write an exhaustive list of everything I am happy to do (I may not have even come across your particular fetish before!) and as long as you ask politely I will respond similarly, even if it’s just to say no thank you.

And finally… A Mistress likes to feel special!

Some of you will no doubt be amazed to find out that Mistresses can generally smell a cut ‘n’ paste session request at 50 paces… Whether it’s because you’ve forgotten to amend the “Dear Miss Jessica” on the top of the email you’ve sent to me, or because you’ve tried to save on e-postage and cyberglue by CCing us all in on the same generic “Heeeeyyy Godess” email. Next time try using BCC, it might help. Slightly. Maybe.

Why I turn down offers of domestic or live-in slavery

This is covered briefly in my FAQ section but I think it’s worth covering in a bit more detail here as it comes up time and time again.
I receive several offers every week from subs whom I have never met and don’t know in the slightest, offering to come and do household chores for me. After all, they feel I am far too busy being dominant and cool to want to do these things myself. I also get regular offers from people, similarly unknown, who claim to want to give up their life and move in with me, to be at my beck and call 24/7 for the rest of their natural lives (which won’t be very long, going by their suggestions that I nourish them exclusively with my bodily waste!)
Livin' the dream?!
Livin’ the dream?!
Both of these offers and a myriad of similar ones, taken at face value, seem very selfless and giving on the part of the submissive and, perhaps understandably, they feel insulted when they receive my polite refusal of their kind offer, or the response that I will be happy for them to serve me, provided they pay me my usual tribute for my time. This is probably why many of them respond to my refusal with a torrent of insults about how I’m not a proper Dominatrix anyway, I’m just a mercenary, I’m shallow and cruel (a cruel Dominatrix – quelle surprise!) etc., etc. However, when you look at these offers in a more objective way, perhaps my viewpoint will become more clear…
Domestic servitude:
1. I have never met you, and you want me to give up a day of my very limited free time in order to supervise you cleaning or otherwise working “for me”. By the way, you’d like me to be wearing head-to-toe rubber and 6-inch heels, wielding a whip and regularly punishing you when you spill things, break stuff, or just don’t carry out the work to my specifications. You also don’t want to work too hard or for too long, as it’s your day off work after all, and everyone needs some R&R time.
2. Whilst this is going on, I will not be able to session with others (i.e. earn money to pay for things like my premises and the aforementioned full rubber outfit) because you’re probably shy and don’t want to be seen by others, and even if YOU aren’t shy, my other visitors probably don’t want a chap in a pink satin dress and heels stumbling noisily around with a vacuum cleaner like an extra from a Queen video as they try to open up to me about their deepest, darkest femdom fantasies.
3. At the end of your time spent grafting for me at no gain to yourself (we’ll gloss over the part where you initially emailed me saying how serving me in that capacity would make all of your dreams come true), you think it’s only fair if I return your gift of time by giving you a free session. After all, I can’t really think that I’ve given you enough of my time already by supervising you all day, can I? It’s been YOU doing ME the favour, after all. Even if we overlook the fact you’d have already spent several hours under my supervision, if you consider how much I’d pay a professional for that duration of work, I won’t be owing you very much time at all. In fact I could take on a full time skilled and competent cleaner for the price of a couple of hours of session time with me (and I hopefully wouldn’t have to wear that pesky rubber outfit whilst they dusted my ornaments!)
4. You’re not insured like a professional cleaner/tradesman would be, so when you spill bleach on my carpet, paint the dog pink, flood the kitchen, cover every imaginable surface including plug sockets with a fine layer of caustic soda for no apparent reason, get over excited and spunk in the laundry basket or perhaps cause the toilet to overflow because you thought it’d be nice to put not one but five foaming disinfectant flush blocks in it (all these things and more have happened back in my foolish youth when I thought sissy maids and subbies could be left unattended) it’s me who has to rectify the situation. This is not to say that some of you aren’t or wouldn’t be excellent cleaners/workers, but the fact remains that if I’ve never met you and you have no intention of investing some time and money visiting me for sessions and gaining my trust then unfortunately I have no intention of investing anything in you either.
24/7 Live-in slaves:
1. First of all, I wonder whether you have considered just how odd it is that you should offer to give up your whole life and identity to relocate and become the slave of a woman you’ve never met and really only seen in a few videos (if you’ve even bothered to research me THAT fully), but I guess you have considered everything fully, because you declare in your (decidedly impersonal, cut-and-paste-looking) initial email that you LOVE ME ETERNALLY. Even though we’ve never met, and you have to pause briefly at the end of your grovelling email to ask me what nationality I am and which country you will need to travel to in order to fulfil your lifelong dream of serving me and only me.
2. You want me to keep you captive in my cell/shed/attic/cupboard under the stairs/cage at the end of my bed, with supervised toilet breaks, daily whippings, hour upon hour of supervised chores (me in that rubber outfit again, no doubt!) as, after all, you’re “a pathetic worm of no value whatsoever”, apart from seemingly all of my time, energy and dedication. It’s going to be just lovely having a snoring, farting, unknown man caged at the foot of my bed every night until he dies of scurvy, I can tell you! You won’t cramp my style at all. I’m such a lucky girl!
3. You are quick to point out that you won’t be paying me for the privilege of gracing me with your company forever, as I should want to do this (with a complete stranger) at no charge if I am a “proper lifestyle Dom”, and should appreciate your offer for the selfless and genuine one it is. If I bring up such subjects as the cost of board and lodgings nowadays, payment for my time, or the fact I’m just not sure I want a complete stranger to move into my home and share my whole life, I will be called out as the ungrateful money-grabbing charlatan that I am. It will be “my loss” and you’re going to tell everyone what a phoney “instadomme” I am unless I reconsider immediately.
4. Obviously very few, if any, people actually WANT to be a 24/7 live-in slave in its true sense – particularly to someone they’ve never even met – and I should imagine a similar number of people actually want to be 24/7 Dom/Domme to somebody, as it must be very draining both physically and emotionally – it’s certainly not my thing as I like to get out of that rubber catsuit and put down my whip sometimes. As soon as you write to a Domme offering this, you should probably be prepared that your offer will be treated with scorn, distaste, or in my case just the indifference I feel it deserves. As far as I’m concerned, if you make the offer in the first place then by default you’re not serious, as I make my feelings about such things clear on my website. Therefore there’s no need to even make the offer in the first place, if you’re as devoted and diligent as you claim to be, as you’d already know you’re not the sub for me, as much as you yearn to be.
To conclude, I’m very happy with my little crew of devotees who serve me personally to different degrees which fit in with both their lives and mine. They’ve all earned their positions of trust by various means over time, and I’m sure the main reason they have evolved the wish to serve me in a personal capacity as well as in session is because I have also earned a position of trust with them over the time we have known each other. I simply don’t have the time, energy or inclination to take a chance on giving an unknown this kind of privilege. The fact I don’t want you to come and serve me in this capacity is by no means a slur on your character – after all, we’ve never met – it’s just a reflection of the fact that I’m a very busy person and choose to spend what time I do have in other ways.